Truth Behind My Big Chop

People repeatedly ask why I decided to cut my hair.

The truth is I did not only cut my hair because I wanted to transition to natural hair. There is a much bigger and powerful meaning to my big chop.

On June 14, 2013 my boyfriend passed away. It has been really hard to continue living after his loss. The first few months were especially hard, I did not have the energy to deal with my hair, put outfits together or even shower. My daily looks consisted of pajamas or my boyfriend’s t-shirt and some sort of messy bun.

This was really out of character for me. Before I would not leave my house until my hair looked a certain way and my outfits were always spiffy. Overall looks were very important to me.

Grief helped me realize how materialist and vain I was. When you lose someone you truly love and value you realize that all the material things around are so irrelevant. I would trade in my closet to have my boyfriend back. So much money I spent buying clothes, hair and beauty products and for what? In the end when my heart was aching all those materials that I valued so much before did nothing to ease the pain.

I would have never ever dared to cut my hair so short. Worried about others opinion and worried it would make me less attractive. But after this experience I completely stopped caring about what others think. And even more important my biggest critic was shut down, my mirror. Whether I have waist long hair or a bald head my heart will continue to ache the same way and this will not be last time. Things will continue to happen in life; some good some bad, whether I look like a Barbie or a Chihuahua it will not stop life from happening or make pain disappear.

My boyfriend always said he liked me so much more when I did not wear makeup, allowed my hair to curl naturally and wore simple clothes. He would complain I was putting on a mask and covering my true beauty. Even though I had really bad acne, he preferred to see my bare skin than pounds of make-up on my face.

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I know you must be wondering why on earth would she post that picture. Yes my face was full of acne and yet I was so happy. I was able to be me without having to hide my flaws and my boyfriend accepted and loved me for me. He taught me a very valuable lesson. Whoever is going to love you for you will love you at a raw state, no makeup, no mask, no filter.

Once you learn to love yourself no matter how you look you will radiate confidence and that itself is beauty. Then everyone around you will respect you for YOU not for your looks or fashion or who you may be portraying to be.

Of course I still enjoy fashion and beauty but it doesn’t control my life. It is a hobby not what defines me.

I cut my hair to relief myself from expectations, beauty standards and to break free from material attachments. God gave me what he gave me; curly hair, dark skin, short stature, scoliosis, a curvy body, acne, glaucoma, a big birth mark on my belly (which I hated when I was younger), so I will work with it and love myself with each and every one of my flaws.

I dedicate this post to my beloved boyfriend, Sammy.
Thank you mi lindo, for continuing to teach me self-love and the true values of life even while not being physically with me.

Thanks for reading chicas

10 thoughts on “Truth Behind My Big Chop

  1. I’m in tears. First of all, sorry for your lost. Base on what you wrote, he seemed to had been a great person. I’m so glad you learnt such a beautiful lesson. You could have not gotten it but you do. That within itself is priceless… I’m be honest when I write, you look beautiful both ways. I notice how bright your smile is in that picture. Until you mention the ache, that’s when I look at them. Everything your wrote is absolutely true, too bad it took me until my 30s to get it. Count yourself blessed.
    I pray time will speed up the healing process on your heart. You’re so beautiful inside and out.

  2. This is so touching. I cannot even try to understand the pain you must have felt or still feel but the fact you are able to write about it and share with the rest of the world, shows how strong you are.
    Your curls are beautiful and this hair style suits you well!

  3. Wow. I love this. Thanks so much for sharing with us. My sympathy for your loss. I love that he loved you just the way you are. THAT is love. Everyone assumes that when we cut our hair it’s bc we’ve now joined the black panther movement or something…. We all have our reasons. Thanks for sharing yours. I only wish others would learn that at the end of the day, all these materialistic crop means NOTHING.

  4. I just read this and I first I want to say I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it was a few months ago at this point and to see you still blogging and sharing your story is inspirational. Thank you for sharing this piece of your life with us & your hair does look totally fab curly!

    Victoria Sallie
    http://www.talktresses.com

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