Love after Loss

Hi Pretties, 

It’s been way too long. Here I am checking in, someone asked recently if my blog is still active. Yes, it is. Even though I spend months gone I always come back, this blog has seen me though many different stages of life.

I started this blog when I was in college broken hearted after the tragic death of my then boyfriend who passed away by suicide. I shared some of my experience and grief journey in earlier post. 

It’s now been 9 years and 11 months. The whole trajectory of my 20s and even now was changed through that tragedy.

It took a long time for me to be open to the idea of dating.

Grief came in waves. First denial, then waiting as if he were coming back, anger, frustration, then finally I hit the most beautiful stage of the process which was selflove. 

I fell madly in love with myself and didn’t want to share myself with anyone. I was enjoying my own company, traveling, making videos, hanging out with friends and family, working on myself. It was truly a beautiful time. I started making connections with random people, smiling, and greeting strangers just because I felt such joy. It was a joy I couldn’t explain I was just excited and grateful to live. I also had a boost of confidence I was in great shape, working out, eating healthy. I was doing the work. This continued for a while, it was a great start. The problem is that I wasn’t working on the scars that were left in my heart. 

Eventually life got busy with work, family, life situations I wasn’t working on myself as much. But things were still going well. 

Fast forward to some time I was ready to start dating. I craved love from a partner, companionship, dates, adventure, intimacy. 

I finally gave myself the chance to be in a relationship. I had forgotten how beautiful it is to love and feel loved.  Butterflies and goosebumps became my daily accessory, showered with affection, attention, chivalry, support. It felt unreal. I couldn’t believe such love existed. It felt too good to be true. I have never been loved this way. And that is when I meet a new cycle of grief. 

This grief is totally unexpected. It is learning to be loved properly and not self-sabotage by repeating old cycles. With this grief comes a lot of sadness, anger, confusion. Old memories come back because I now realize all the unhealthy situations I experienced in the past. It’s a heavy burden to carry, I buried it deep in my mind so that I wouldn’t have to face all the hurt I was left with. 

I’ve always been encouraged to try therapy. But I’ve never truly been open to the idea because it is so heavy, I don’t even know where to begin or even if I want to begin. It’s very hard to think of those memories when it resurface it’s hard to shake off. It’s a mixture of intense and explosive emotions it sums up to a deep hurt. I learned that I never grieved for myself, I didn’t grief the hardship that I endured being with someone that wasn’t mentally stable or how hard it was trying to keep someone alive. I focused on the loss but never on me. I lost a lot of me too and experienced deep trauma. 

It took for me to be in a relationship to realize that although I have done a lot of healing the deep traumatic events I haven’t dealt with. Its unhealthy baggage that I am dragging with me. I know I deserve to be free and to be loved. 

It’s been a very overwhelming time in my life. I finally decided to give therapy a try. I haven’t started yet but I did begin the process. 

To be continued…