It’s been way too long. Here I am checking in, someone asked recently if my blog is still active. Yes, it is. Even though I spend months gone I always come back, this blog has seen me though many different stages of life.
I started this blog when I was in college broken hearted after the tragic death of my then boyfriend who passed away by suicide. I shared some of my experience and grief journey in earlier post.
It’s now been 9 years and 11 months. The whole trajectory of my 20s and even now was changed through that tragedy.
It took a long time for me to be open to the idea of dating.
Grief came in waves. First denial, then waiting as if he were coming back, anger, frustration, then finally I hit the most beautiful stage of the process which was selflove.
I fell madly in love with myself and didn’t want to share myself with anyone. I was enjoying my own company, traveling, making videos, hanging out with friends and family, working on myself. It was truly a beautiful time. I started making connections with random people, smiling, and greeting strangers just because I felt such joy. It was a joy I couldn’t explain I was just excited and grateful to live. I also had a boost of confidence I was in great shape, working out, eating healthy. I was doing the work. This continued for a while, it was a great start. The problem is that I wasn’t working on the scars that were left in my heart.
Eventually life got busy with work, family, life situations I wasn’t working on myself as much. But things were still going well.
Fast forward to some time I was ready to start dating. I craved love from a partner, companionship, dates, adventure, intimacy.
I finally gave myself the chance to be in a relationship. I had forgotten how beautiful it is to love and feel loved. Butterflies and goosebumps became my daily accessory, showered with affection, attention, chivalry, support. It felt unreal. I couldn’t believe such love existed. It felt too good to be true. I have never been loved this way. And that is when I meet a new cycle of grief.
This grief is totally unexpected. It is learning to be loved properly and not self-sabotage by repeating old cycles. With this grief comes a lot of sadness, anger, confusion. Old memories come back because I now realize all the unhealthy situations I experienced in the past. It’s a heavy burden to carry, I buried it deep in my mind so that I wouldn’t have to face all the hurt I was left with.
I’ve always been encouraged to try therapy. But I’ve never truly been open to the idea because it is so heavy, I don’t even know where to begin or even if I want to begin. It’s very hard to think of those memories when it resurface it’s hard to shake off. It’s a mixture of intense and explosive emotions it sums up to a deep hurt. I learned that I never grieved for myself, I didn’t grief the hardship that I endured being with someone that wasn’t mentally stable or how hard it was trying to keep someone alive. I focused on the loss but never on me. I lost a lot of me too and experienced deep trauma.
It took for me to be in a relationship to realize that although I have done a lot of healing the deep traumatic events I haven’t dealt with. Its unhealthy baggage that I am dragging with me. I know I deserve to be free and to be loved.
It’s been a very overwhelming time in my life. I finally decided to give therapy a try. I haven’t started yet but I did begin the process.
To be continued…
2 thoughts on “Love after Loss”
Proud of you for sharing, being brave and being as strong as an individual as you are. I really hope you find not just happiness but fulfillment in any and every life choice you make. I’m excited for you to start your journey in therapy. I too have thought about it as I feel like I have no outlets to let out deep thoughts and feelings. Hugging you and wishing you the best.
Thank you Aaron. Cheers to healing and finding healthy outlets to let out suppressed thoughts and feelings. All the best wishes to you as well. xoxo