I decided to share this post to unveil a deeper side of me, if it inspires at least one person awesome.
Around the time my birthday kicked in I started thinking a lot about my life and all the changes I have endured. When you lose such a large and special part of your life birthdays, holidays and notable dates are always difficult. This year my birthday celebration was amazing I honestly had not had that much fun in a while. While my boyfriend was in my thoughts all day (he always went all out for my birthday) I was happy to see I was able to have a good time. Grief is tough but everyday with God’s presence in my life I get a little stronger.
When my boyfriend started presenting the first signs of mental illness my life turned upside down. In trying to help him I lost my self and lost faith in God. I was confused, desperate, I had absolutely no peace, barely slept, had taunting thoughts constantly. I was a ticking bomb.
There was one day I completely snapped I was ready to explode and just give up on life but just before it happened something stopped me. All of a sudden I felt a sense of comfort and relief I can’t describe. It was that moment I realized God had not abandoned me even though I turned my back on him and lost faith. It was an overwhelming feeling, how could I feel so good suddenly when I thought I had just hit rock bottom. I didn’t know what to make of it but I knew it went beyond me or anything or anyone in this world. It was coming from God.
I strengthened my relationship with God and sure enough all those agonizing feelings I felt before disappeared, I regained control. With God in my life I started radiating confidence and harmony which not only helped me but also my boyfriend.
When he died my faith was tested again. Really at that point it was impossible not to believe in God I had felt his presence and seen the impact he had in my life; I overcame situations I would never have if he weren’t with me. In my grief I was angry, I directed that anger towards God. I felt defeated and let down, my prayers and desperate cry for help went unheard. The pain, the grief was suffocating. Sometimes I felt I just couldn’t do it anymore.
When I was alone I cried out loud in desperation to the point I felt I would pass out but every single time in the middle of my storm I felt a sense of calmness, as if someone was holding and comforting me. Once again I regained my faith just this time much stronger. I started looking back and analyzing my life, every single time I felt I had hit rock bottom God made his presence be felt and lifted me back up.
Sometimes it’s hard to see and appreciate what God has given us because we are only focusing on the negative. I won’t pretend I am as happy as I should be because I’m not, I am still in a state of grief but having God in my life makes it easier to deal with, gives me hope and has helped me to start enjoying life again.
I share this post with you lovelies because I want everyone to know there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Life isn’t perfect it will never be. We are always going to endure hardships but with faith we can get through anything. God is always by our side.
No matter the hurt, the pain, the struggle focus on faith and you will notice slowly how your life positively changes…
Thanks for reading loves, God Bless<3