“It’s happening for you not to you.” That’s what my therapist kept saying. I couldn’t understand it at the time. The only thing I could understand was the deep pain I was feeling.
Betrayal and heartbreak are tough. Around this time last year, I was facing the most horrific betrayal. I felt it in every way physically, mentally, emotionally. It’s crazy to think it’s only been a year because truly it now feels so long ago. It’s probably because of how draining it is to carry those emotions. But I came out of it a completely different person. I can now see what my therapist meant. That heartbreak pushed me in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise.
It was brutal, I felt like I was losing it, like I would never recover emotionally. But I did. Here I am a year later thanking God, my therapist and myself for all the work I did to pull myself out of that dark place I was in. That heartbreak healed so many hidden wounds and gave life to this wiser and healthier version of me. Keeping in mind that healing is a lifelong journey.
I share this because when I was first experiencing this heartbreak I read post after post, watched videos looking for hope. Hope that I would recover. I wanted a quick fix. So many posts breaking down the process something like Month 1: Depressed, Month 2: Working on myself, Month 3: Happy and glowing blah blah. If you’re anything like me then that’s not how it works, I love deeply and hurt deeply. I think that comes from having a genuine and pure heart, its hard-to-understand and process how ugly others can be.
I wanted to stop hurting. The problem is I was looking for an external solution instead of looking for the answers within myself. My heart knew the whole time what I needed to heal but I wasn’t ready or able to. The solution was to let go and focus on myself. And I know everyone is singing the same song, self-love this and that. What no one speaks on is how hard and messy the process is.
It’s hard to focus on self-love when you hardly have the energy to get up in the morning, or to shower or to perform basic daily life activities. I didn’t have the energy to do much but wallow in my emotions. And I allowed myself to feel every emotion I felt without feeling shame or trying to cover it. I was deeply hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, I felt disconnected from the world. It felt like life was going on all around me and I was just standing still observing, I felt alienated from the world, like I didn’t belong but also didn’t want to belong. I wanted to be in a bubble and remain invisible.
I couldn’t run the emotions were there present and persistent reminding me every day. I replayed scenarios, conversations. I blamed myself for trusting the wrong person. I was in such a fragile state that I turned to myself for love. I couldn’t beat myself up anymore because I simply couldn’t handle any more pain. In those vulnerable feelings I started to baby me, to love on my hurt, to be gentle with myself. I allowed myself to be angry and moody, to curse, to cry. I gave myself the same empathy and grace I so easily give to others.
When the emotions were too overwhelming, I got a therapist. I needed help releasing or at least saying aloud to someone other than myself how hurt I felt. Someone who wouldn’t be bias I spoke to family and friends who were also angry and hurt for me, so I needed someone who was removed from the situation. To really say everything I was feeling without filtering. That helped but again only I could heal this pain. The emotions were still there.
I started praying and asking God and my angels to help me get back to me. I felt abandoned. Every day that I had these feelings I felt God wasn’t listening to me. Some days I felt I would never get back to enjoying life. I felt discarded.
Speaking to my therapist was no longer enough. I felt exhausted of carrying these emotions. I felt drained speaking about feelings. My therapist walked me through somethings, gave me activities to fill in the void but I wasn’t ready to be positive yet. I had all this anger still boiling inside. My body felt heavy, like everything I was feeling was stuck inside of me and speaking about it was just recycling the emotions but not releasing it.
I found a different therapist with a different approach. We started working on a program she created called “Love Thy Self.’ Was it easier? Nope! It forced me to dig deep within myself. We spoke about emotions AGAIN! What felt like a burned turned out to be my biggest tool. Those emotions went deeper than what I was currently feeling. In this program I dove deep into self and eventually self – love Not in a superficial way but in its true definition. What were these emotions that I was feeling? Why was it present and persistent? What was it trying to teach me? I investigated every aspect of myself physical, emotional, mind body and soul.
It’s crazy how everything is connected. Our bodies are always sending signals. Those gut instincts that we ignore are alerts warning us of what our eyes may be ignoring. Our intuition is always there telling us what is real and what isn’t, what needs attention but often we ignore all the hazard signals.
Before the relationship that caused this heartbreak officially ended, I became physically sick. I had terrible stomach pains leading to several trips to the ER. I kept vomiting, had horrible food sensitivities, lost a lot of weight I looked sickly. My skin was dull, and my eyes showed pain. Everyone around me kept asking what was wrong because physically I just didn’t look well. I did an endoscopy which showed gastritis. The doctor intuitively told me he felt my stomach troubles were likely emotional. He didn’t say it in a dismissive way it was more of a gentle consolement. The first thing he said was thank God it’s not cancer. There was this energy of sadness I was giving off without even speaking. The emotional baggage was eating me up physically.
After a few months of feeling and talking out my emotions I was tired of talking and wallowing. I was ready to move the stagnation or at least change something in my routine to help redirect my mind and thoughts.
I started with skin care giving myself facial massages and learning different techniques. This was another thing that my emotional turmoil caused a huge breakout all over my face. Although I was dealing with hyperpigmentation prior active acne was not a thing for me anymore. I had not seen my face like that in years. The pimples were painful and further made me feel like crap. I was like great what else do you want to throw at me life, I felt like I just couldn’t catch a break.
That lead me to seek a professional esthetician. She spoke to me about the importance of diet, detox and lifestyle choices. Her approach was very refreshing she was completely honest explained that I could do all the facials in the world but until I didn’t get to the root cause of my issues, I wouldn’t have true results. She recommended colonics to help detox my body and make dietary changes. Not the typical no dairy, no sweets but truly dive deep into my food intolerances. Identifying what foods my body didn’t react well to and incorporating more whole, nutrient rich foods.
She referred me to a holistic doctor who performed a serious of colonics to help get rid of toxins in my body. It wasn’t a magic solution, but it certainly helped with mental clarity, helped me gain confidence and discipline as I was following a healthier food regimen and taking herbal supplements. My body felt lighter, my migraines disappeared, gut issues slowly started correcting itself. Once I was done with my package, I was tolerating foods I couldn’t before. Through this purge I didn’t only get rid of waste in my body but also emotions that were holding my body hostage. My back pain completely disappeared. It almost sounds made I don’t think would have believed it’s possible if I had not experienced it for myself. That doesn’t mean my sadness was all gone and I was cured but it helped me understand why I was feeling some of the things I was feeling, it gave me better perspective on how the “bad” things that happened were a redirection to a better road (doesn’t make it easy to accept but when your heart is ready, you’ll be thankful). Funny how everything connects and God, the universe, your angels whatever you choose to believe send you exactly what you need at the time you need it.
This holistic doctor did a full body scan. Through my eyes she was able to tell me things about my personality and alignments that I hadn’t discussed with her prior. She told me there was a lot of trauma stuck in my body which manifested in by body through the physical pains I was having, lower back pain, migraines, gastritis.
This huge breaking point I reached wasn’t just about my recent heart break it was all the bottled up hurt, and repressed emotions I carried from earlier life situations that I didn’t allow myself to feel entirely.
I’ve shared before that the relationship before this one ended when my then boyfriend passed away by suicide. I grieved for him, but I never grieved for myself. When he passed on, I learned to move on, I felt the sadness of his loss and what could no longer be, but I hid away from the feelings of hurt he caused me. Some of us tend to speak only highly of the dead erasing any ill emotions from our memories. But that isn’t realistic or fair all humans are imperfect, and the truth is we often hurt the people closest to us not always intentional, but it happens.
These emotions resurfaced to be healed. I sat with those feelings and spoke to my therapist and explained how heavy it was to carry my ex-boyfriend’s mental illness. Schizophrenia and depression are monsters for the person affected by it and those around. In that relationship I was again depleted, I gave my all. It felt like I was holding my breath for a long time. When he died, I was devasted but for once in a long time it felt like I could breathe. And that feeling gave me a lot of guilt. I would have given everything for him to live but that doesn’t change the fact that I sacrificed a lot. My life was no longer mine, I lived and breathed around his needs. There it was the key that unlocked that trauma. Guilt the guilt of feeling the relief of not carrying someone’s life on my shoulders. I needed to say that aloud and release it and understand that it was valid to feel everything I felt. No one had to understand or approve because it was I who experienced the trauma.
That is the danger of giving all of you to someone else. When you love without boundaries you are carving a grave for yourself. It’s not only depleting but also dangerous. When you lose these people, it feels like you have lost yourself. It leaves you in a very vulnerable place. As harsh and traumatic as that experience was, I didn’t learn how to prioritize myself entirely. So, when the recent relationship came around, I repeated some of the same patterns and ended up right back in same spot of depression but worst this time. Things that aren’t healed will resurface until you face it and fix it.
This heartbreak unlocked new doors. As cliché as it sounds it was a blessing in disguise. Not only did it eliminate garbage from my life it helped me learn me, discover me. It helped me understand and get in tune with my body. To connect mind body and soul. It taught me to put myself first, to be selfish with me and not give myself loosely, it taught me boundaries. Learning discernment has been crucial not everyone deserves to experience you. It taught me self-worth and value.
All this time I thought I was abandoned that God wasn’t listening but really, I just needed solitude to connect with myself again. The answers are ready in you, you just need stillness and silence to find it.
Unveiled Glamour 