Letting go is probably one of the hardest things to do. Letting go of people, expectations, old versions of ourselves, old believes, old habits. Whatever it may be, its challenging, its emotional, its uncomfortable.
It’s easier to stay in the familiar because you’re comfortable in it even if it’s not completely satisfying or fulfilling or up to standard. Its familiar and familiar means safe, you are somewhat in control because you know what to expect or at least you think you do. There are times when even the familiar is shaken and takes an unexpected turn. What happens then?
It’s not that simple. I said it’s easier to stay in a space of comfort, but is it? Is it easier living with the feeling of wanting more? Is it easier to live with disappointment? Is it easier to ignore? It can be but for how long?
Maybe it’s not that deep of a situation. Maybe you cling on to “okay” instead of going for “excellent”. Okay is stable and already a part of you, while excellent is uncharted territory which means seeking something new without knowing where it will lead. On one end you cling to something that will not change that will continue to fall short but for whatever reason is soothing and reassuring. In the other end awaits a journey of intense growing pains, challenges for an indeterminate amount of time but will eventually lead to liberation. With that release comes freedom, the freedom of not holding on to baggage or mediocracy for comfort. The freedom of independence.
Perhaps it’s so hard to heal because it sucks being in a space of hurt, pain and discomfort. But there comes a time when there’s no running from it, it’s there in your face not going anywhere and the only way to overcome it is to let it suck. Feel the pain and all the feelings necessary until its done, until you’re over it, it no longer hurts, it no longer feels unbearable.
I will not romanticize letting go or healing, it sucks horribly. At the beginning of this year my life was in a completely different space heading in a totally different direction. Until it all came crashing down, the more things fell apart the harder I tried to hold on until there was nothing left to hold on to. That’s another crazy thing about life you can hold on as long as you want but there will come a time when you no longer can. I don’t know who orchestrates this God, the universe or if it’s the balance beam of life whatever it is things just shift. It puts everything in your face, makes it so that you can’t run anymore. Either you deal with your madness no matter how big and challenging it is or stay in this space of uncomfortable revelation. Once life shows you, you can’t unsee.
That is the space I’m currently in. Healing, mending the pieces of my broken heart one day at a time. It is brutal a lot of negative emotions, sadness, deep hurt, disappoint, disbelieve, anger lots of it. It’s not a pretty time in my life but it’s where I’m at.
I’ve reached a point of acceptance. Not all chapters of life are beautiful and running from the ugly just makes it more difficult and prolongs the pain. I am letting it suck. That means letting myself feel everything without running to find a patch to put over it to lessen the pain. Some days I cry, some days I journal, somedays I meditate, some days I binge watch a show, somedays I exercise other days I speak to my therapist but every day I am allowing myself grace to feel and be in this vulnerable space. The only way out of it is to feel it until there is nothing left to feel. Cry all the tears, feel all the rage, curse, let it all out until those feelings are no longer leading the way. Maybe there will always be a little bit of disappointment over certain situations but learning to be okay with that feeling without letting it stop our path or taking over our life is the goal.
I got a glycolic facial peel for hyperpigmentation this week. And my scars from old acne marks turned into scabs, hard and dry. I knew it would eventually flake off and new skin would resurface. But I was so impatient and embarrassed to walk around with those scabs that I started picking at my skin (A MAJOR DERMATOLOGIST AND ESTHETICIAN NO NO). Underneath those scabs I found tender and red skin that wasn’t ready to release those scabs yet so now I was walking around with red exposed skin. As a result, new scabs started forming again to protect that sensitive skin until my new skin is ready to come to the surface. What did I achieve? Delayed and restarted my healing process all over again trying to avoid the “ugly” phase of healing. Before it turns into something beautiful healing is just that ugly and uncomfortable. We can’t control it or decide when to magically heal. Let go and eventually the scabs will fall off and your beautiful new skin will be revealed physically and metaphorically.
I know pain doesn’t last forever I have healed from unthinkable pain in the past. When I was living it I thought I would never heal but I did. It’s okay to be in a shitty space and even mood or mindset but make sure you don’t stay in that space for ever. At your own pace work towards happier times in whatever way that may be for you. Everything passes no matter how good or bad it is. Life is constant change and our ability and willingness to adapt to it. We know this but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Healing sucks.
Warm hugs,
Emily ❤
Unveiled Glamour 